T​his weeks energy surrounds the The Partnership card

T​he story around the energy for this week is more about what we can do to nourish ourselves, so that we can show up for each other.

L​ove is about freedom.

P​artnership-romanitc or otherwise-is a living, breathing organism. It needs space to grow, time to heal when adversity strikes, reconciliation to move forward after hardship, and continuous sprinklings of nourishment.

W​hen we don’t feel grounded, we look for ways to control our environment so that we can feel secure once again. Sometimes that looks like controlling our relationships.

My mothers need to control was rooted in her need to protect.

She grew up in a home where she had no control of the reactions of the surrounding people, especially her parents. This translated into a life and upbringing where I imagine she often wondered what version of her caregivers she was going to get.

S​he in turn became stoic. She learned to “control” her emotions and hide away so that there was only the version of her she wanted you to see.

S​he also took on all of our home responsibilities. She rarely asked for help, and would often “fix” anything you tried to help with.

My fathers perspective of my mother has helped me heal some of the wounds around her control behaviors. From my father’s perspective, my mother was a naturally easygoing woman. When she felt like her world around her was stable, she felt safe to let life unfold. She developed confidence to share her voice in her marriage and in her personal life.

H​earing of ways my mom rolled with the punches was magical. Sadly, I didn’t always experience that version of her.

Growing up an only child, I was very independent. I spent a lot of time exploring my inner and outer world through books, creativity and eventually through seeking experiences outside of my home. Mom and Dad always encouraged it!

S​o much so, I craved for the day I could move out of my family home. This desire to “grow up” didn’t always translate to healthy patterns of decision making. In fact, my impulsively often gave way to experiences, friendships and eventually relationships that led to adverse experiences, unnecessary risk, and even long term trauma. Each time I would make a mistake as a result of these decisions, I was sometimes met with a lot of disappointment, criticism and shame.

I​ spent a lot of my upbringing thinking that I had to act and be a certain person to receive love from my family and community.

​Catholic school also ingrained a strong sense of perfectionism. If you didn’t do your homework, you were going to hell!

I​ can’t make this up if I tried.

S​o then the message I received was I was not good if I made a mistake, and those entrusted to care for me would be sad and disappointed with me.

T​his also led to hiding my failures and mistakes and suffering in the silence of shame and disappointment with myself. It was exceptionally lonely and isolating.

While I now know I can be fully myself and still deserve to be loved, that old reality still sits on my heart, and has expressed itself in the ways that I’ve approached relationships in the past.

M​y hyper criticism isn’t about someone’s inability or mistake, it is about the conditioning that was passed down on my maternal side and my social upbringing.

I can see that my mother’s upbringing created a woman who wanted to protect her child FIERCLY at all cost. Sometimes that came out as criticism, shooting down my ideas or worse, giving me the silent treatment.

Now, I​ can see that her love for me was SO DEEP, that she would stop at nothing to make sure that I was safe and secure. Something she never felt as a child. Because it was something my grandmother never felt either.

A​s a person committed to doing the life-long work of breaking generational cycles, I can now see ways in which I can show up differently for myself and others.

W​e get to choose what traits we keep from our families.

My mothers fierce love and nurturing was also passed down to me. I love with my WHOLE BEING. When I love you, I will do anything to protect you from the storm, especially if that storm is yourself.

I find my loyalty and love to be one of my greatest asset in all my relationships.

But of course I am learning that sometimes, our people need to choose what feels right for their journey.

Because I love so hard and so deeply, I need to remember to use that energy to also love myself. To be secure in myself so when a loved one is going through a transition in their life (good or difficult!), I can come back to a place of taking space for myself to let them be free.

N​ow, this isn’t a message around having loose boundaries.

Part of loving myself also looks like having boundaries around what I can and will participate in.

Part of loving ourselves is knowing when someone’s journey is not compatible with ours, and pulling back so that we can feel safe and from a different place in their lives.

T​his doesn’t mean we love them less.

This doesn’t mean we aren’t there.

I​t just means that we listen to our needs when it starts to feel out of balance.

F​or again, our number one responsibility is to nurture and care for ourselves.

T​his allows us the space to nurture and care for each other. Whether we are right next to them, or hundreds of miles away.